One of the interesting aspects of the Ephesians 5 passage is the instruction that wives are to respect their husbands, while husbands are to love their wives. It has been suggested that respect (men) and love (women) are the deepest needs of the respective genders, and to receive these from a spouse creates the optimal environment for a relationship to flourish..
The failure to nurture your spouse's deep need can produce a negative spiral. A wife who does not receive love from her husband will often respond back to him in ways that are disrespectful. This hurt will then cause the husband to withdraw even more of his love/nurture, and the death spiral can spin worse and worse.
The solution is for one or both partners to start giving/trying in the husband-love and wife-respect way of operating. Then a positive upward spiral can occur. It all goes back to putting your spouse first, and getting eyes off self.
Does this concept seem valid for your relationship? Have you experienced the downward spiral? What are the conditions that bring it on for you? What helps you break the cycle?
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I experienced the downward spiral for years and years... countless times I sacrificed to try to change the direction, but nothing worked.
ReplyDeleteWhen the other person refuses to acknowledge this, it becomes useless and futile.
In my sad case the only thing that broke the cycle was the courts. Even sadder the courts still need to be used to work out things. So again, the downward cycle persists. Only the law can intercede to stop it.
Mike O.
Chris Donnely said...I feel most served and loved when my husband “hears me” when we talk. When he helps around the house without me asking, that goes a long way with me. Vacuuming, laundry, dishes – if all that is done I feel so blessed because he took the time to take those chores off my plate. I’d take that over a dozen roses and chocolate any day!
ReplyDeleteI remember years ago I had bragged about my husband to others while he was standing there to hear it. You would have thought I had given him a million dollars! His response was gushy to me, LOL, and it lasted quite a while. I learned something important. Great results for such little effort on my part. So I try to repeat that practice at strategic and opportune moments. There is always something I can brag on about my husband.
ReplyDeleteHmmm... can't say I ever hit a downward spiral in my marriage. Mark and I are unusual - or just very non-confrontational, but we have actually never had a verbal disagreement. No we're not perfect, but I think we are extremely blessed in that we really were intended for one another. I do know that no matter what relationship you're in, there's always a chance for the biting remark, pointed sarcasm or non- verbal "look" that says way too much - the thing that stops it is self-control. Is any such action ever going to have positive results??? The likelyhood of those responses changing anything for the better is just non-existent, it's not God honoring behavior. Honoring each other, while honoring God is not the easy thing to do, but we can "train" ourselves to it. My girls are in the tweenage "sassy" stage and we're trying to practice this - it's true in almost any realtionship. Rick Warren says "hurt people hurt people" and I see that all the time with my kids. One flies the insult, the other one's face drops, a few minutes pass - the "insulted" glares and fixates on the "insulter" and in minutes shoots off a barbed return... and so the spiral is alive and well at our house - just in a different way.
ReplyDeleteYears ago in our marriage things were in a "downward spiral". Depression increases in such cases. Marriage counseling helped us work out our differences, which were the main source of trouble. We had differences that neither of us were ever "trained" to know how to handle. Now since, love and trust prevails, money problems sometimes surface, but our relationship stays strong throughout many trials. I think this is mainly because of the love and trust we have built with one another.
ReplyDeleteWe have certainly experienced downward spirals throughout our many years of marriage. Our everyday routines and responsiblities can get overwhelming at times and make you want to make the small issues seem larger than they are which can lead you to a downward spiral if you comment on each little issue. I guess I find that I try not to sweat the small stuff and know that my husband truly loves me, and would not intentually try to hurt me or not intentually try to make me feel unloved. I see so many couples going through really rough times and say and do such terriable things to eachother, that that brings me back to "reality" and realize my husband really does love me, and that seems to break the cycle of those feelings of not thinking I am loved.
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